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Five; Mistakes Black Men Make when it comes to Marriage…

August 26, 2011 by  
Filed under Misc., News, Opinion, Weekly Columns

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(ThyBlackMan.com) Men, your marriage is the best it can possibly be, right? Well, maybe. But if you’re like lots of couples, you find it all too easy to put everything and everyone else first and take each other for granted.

Unless you become aware of your own hurtful attitudes or actions — so that you can correct them — your chances of staying in love ’til death do you part are close to zero. Not to worry, though — you can easily get back on track by watching out for these 5 common mistakes:

1. You spend money without consulting your wife

Making big purchases such as buying a car without first consulting your wife is a huge no-no. Why? Consciously or unconsciously, men frequently assign  themselves the leadership role in the relationship. That, too, is a mistake. A couple’s relationship is a shared leadership position.

2. Can a selfish lover return the favor?

In the bedroom, men forget – or, worse, haven’t figured out – that their wives often need more than they do to get turned on. Affection, making her feel loved and needed — that’s basic for her to feel aroused. Turning a woman on begins well before the lights go down. Men perceive sex as a sufficient means of being close, of having a connection. But women want a connection prior to having sex.

3. You’re hearing but you’re not listening

Listening does not mean nodding along as your wife explains what is bothering her, all the while thinking up ways to fix the problem. What she most often wants is to talk things out, and she wants you to be actively engaged in the conversation, not by trying to be the hero and save the day, but by demonstrating an interest in what she is saying and caring about what she is experiencing emotionally. This is not passive. Listening to establish a connection is an active process. 

4. Keeping those feelings on lockdown

Listening to your wife talk about her feelings is essential. So is talking about your own. Many men, however, think they need to hide their feelings or risk being seen as weak. That’s a mistake. Not sharing your emotions can be a real downer for your wife. The woman feels like she’s missing a close connection that she wants with her husband. When he’s withdrawn, she feels like he is leaving her. Growing up, a man learns that he can’t let others know when he’s scared. But opening up is taking a risk, and that takes courage.

5. Going on a power trip.

Being a man does not mean being in charge – many men don’t get that. For instance, you may try to get what you want by being dominant. But it’s not about making demands or trying to overpower her. Women will pull away from that. The “power position” that men often put themselves in essentially negates the relationship, which must be reciprocal, supportive, and caring.

Written By Felicia Vance


Comments

6 Responses to “Five; Mistakes Black Men Make when it comes to Marriage…”
  1. Marque Anthony says:

    Analysis of any group is fair game when it is accurate, thoroughly researched, balanced and fair. But stereotypes based on bad personal experiences are not a good thing, not at all.

  2. Marque Anthony says:

    As an AA male family and relationship counselor, I find several things inaccurate, unbalanced and disturbing about your article and your assessment.

    First, where is your research or is this just your opinion?
    Second, where are your solutions? Enough with the beat downs.
    Third, what is your training to be able to make such assessments?
    Fourth, I can tell you hundreds of men who do not fit the mold herein.
    Fifth, your approach makes your relationships with men suspect.
    Sixth, what would they say about you?

  3. Dad 4 Life says:

    I can flip the script on this article and say the same thing from the male side. If I did (5 Common Mistakes Black Women Make when it comes to marriage), the whining and complaining would be endless. No single group exclusively owns these “common” traits. Spending money without consulting their spouse?? You think women don’t do that???…..geez….These mistakes are universal in marriage. I guess it will continue to be more fashionable and popular to blame Black Men when relationships go off track, even here on ThyBlackMan.com

  4. KAYLA says:

    I agree with your truthful article. Your #2 regarding the selfish lover is the sorry state of why some women rather not be with that man. Some men are so selfish lovers that they’d rather master**** than spending the time to arouse the woman.

  5. Eddie harris says:

    Felicia,after reading your article on marriage it is quite clear to me that you are quite bias or too subjective to give a fair assessment on marriage. you seem to be putting all the blame on the male. The problem is not just a male or female problem, it is a human problem because the whole humam race is flawed. Both sexes bring problems to the table. One of the major problem with marriages is the trait of being selfish.

    When we get married it is always about being one in unity not from an individual point of veiw. It is about what I can put on the table and not what I can take off. It is learning how to give without looking for something back. If both the wife and husband are giving to each without looking for anything back, that means that they are both giving and receiving at the same time. It is an un selfish love.

    I do not know whether you are a christian or not, but you are categorically and emphatically wrong in assessing that marrige is a shared responsibility. According to the word of GOD, GOD has given the leadership role to the man. However we have failed in this endeavor. In short, both men and women have failed in their responsibilities in having successful marriages. Women are superior as being women, men are are superior as being men neither are superior to each other both are equal in human values but GOD has deemed it necessary for the man to have the leadership role.

    Most of us do not understand marriage and that is a recipe for most marriages to fail. In order to remedy this dilemma, it is imperative that we as a society begin to teach this generation and future generations all about marriage life. We have the information.

    By the way this is what the male leadership role should entail, loving leadership, servant leadership, sacrificial love, steadfast loyalty. Both husband and wife should submit to each other. My question to you Felicia, have you truly been on a quest to find out what marriage life is all about?

  6. Dell Gines says:

    I like your writing style Felicia! I slightly disagree on a few points, but I like the article.

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